We're not supposed to do this alone...
(originally published December 2023)
I was raised to be independent and resourceful, leaning into my family’s cultural values of work hard, don’t complain, and don’t talk about your feelings or anything uncomfortable. My core belief about the world was that if you need something, figure it out and get it for yourself.
This belief stuck with me into adulthood, but only in hindsight did I realize that I put myself at a disadvantage by not seeking advice, guidance and feedback. Doing it all by myself made everything harder than it needed to be, at every stage of my life. I went away to college right after high school, but never spoke to anyone, including my parents, about what I should major in. I never accessed services available to me, like academic advisors, the counseling center, or the career center. I stumbled through classes for 4 years, until the subject matter was so over my head that I just had to withdraw from the semester. I picked a new major by scrolling through the course catalog, and settling for something I guessed I could do. I unintentionally landed where I should have been all along, business administration and leadership, but the path there was long.
My career was similarly unplanned. I haphazardly applied for jobs after graduation, not really sure what my career was supposed to be. I happened to apply for a generic analyst position at a medium-sized company, and was hired to help negotiate and administer labor contracts. It turned out that I was really good at it. Once again, I had unintentionally landed where I should have been. My career moves weren’t always so successful though. I ended up a couple times in an organization that was culturally a bad fit for me; where my values weren’t in alignment with the board’s, or where my CEO and I had work and communications styles that didn’t mesh well.
Now, reading those last two paragraphs makes my life seem bleak, but it wasn’t all bad. My tendency to jump in and figure things out (thanks, Dad) also meant that I had a great work ethic and could be counted on for complicated assignments, and for managing difficult relationships within an organization. I kept getting promoted, and then recruited for executive-level positions. But everything was hard. One CEO told me that I needed people to talk to, and I had no idea what she meant. I mean, I was human resources. All I did was talk to people! But for most of my corporate career, as in my days as a student, I didn’t have advisors, mentors, or colleagues that I could bounce ideas off of, or to reflect back to me what they were hearing me say, or even to tell me that something sounded risky or foolish. I was still effectively doing it all by myself. And I finally realized that that was why it was so hard.
We’re not supposed to do it by ourselves. If I had ever talked things through with people I respected, I might have made better decisions, or at least I might have known better what I was getting into by making those decisions. I might have had better questions to ask, or been clearer on my own values and priorities. I might not have spent four years as a biology major, and could have avoided upper-level advanced organic chemistry classes. In my corporate career, I might not have felt like I was swimming upstream to make big culture shifts in the organization. Even with my own team working together seamlessly, and with great working relationships with stakeholders, I never went to anyone to talk through difficult decisions or deal with challenging issues, because I was too busy being the person that other people came to. And yes, I see the irony there. I became to other people what I needed for myself without noticing.
So here’s what I do today, and what I would do if I could do it over again knowing what I know today:
I have a group of people whose knowledge, experience and opinions I trust. They come from different professional backgrounds, and have life experiences that are vastly different, but they have values that are closely in alignment with mine. A few are coaches like me, and some work in completely unrelated fields. Most I consider friends, but some I pay to talk to, like my coach and a consultant I know from years ago. Most don’t know each other, or have only heard me mention the others in conversation.
Sometimes they give me advice, but mostly they listen, ask questions, and remind me of what I’ve said is important to me. I do the same for them. They know they are my people, and I know I’m one of their people.
I spend time with them regularly and intentionally. Some I see every week, some I talk to randomly during long commutes, and some I see less frequently, but I make sure I connect.
I hold myself accountable by making sure that I intentionally reach out to talk about the things that are taking up too much space in my head, or things that I’ve let block my progress on something. I know which of my people I can go to for different kinds of things.
I ask them to hold me accountable for the commitments I’ve made to myself, because while I absolutely keep my commitments to others, it’s sometimes too easy for me to break those I’ve made to myself.
Our conversations are usually informal give and take, unless one of us says we need support on something that feels big at the moment.
We all have a clear understanding of what confidentiality means within our conversations, and we agree we talk only about ourselves and not about other people or our clients. We never talk publicly about what the other is going through or working on, and we don’t gossip.
And most importantly, we absolutely never break confidentiality/privacy rules and agreements with or regarding our clients. I’ll never know about whose financing fell through or their credit scores, and they’ll never hear who my clients are or what we talk about. Within the ICF-certified coaching profession, as with many professions, we have ethical rules about this, and established ways for coaches to get help with client concerns we have, like mentor coaches, coach supervisors, and an ethics hotline, for example. And with my consulting and advising clients, we’ll seek out attorneys or finance experts for advice or guidance.
Who are your people? Who do you need to spend more time with, or who do you need to see less of? What things should you be talking about? What could be easier for you?
If you want to talk more about this, or you want me to be one of your people, click the button below to schedule a strategy call. Maybe I’m the coach you’ve always needed, and maybe you’re the client I’ve always dreamed of.